


Darling I love you (but I'll love you from a distance)

by hopeinyourheart



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 11:02:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4604283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopeinyourheart/pseuds/hopeinyourheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your twenty four and your future is bright and suddenly Adam Lallana is at your damn side more often than not. You start sharing rooms at away games, training is always better with him around. Your practically stuck together, the others tease you about it. You don't really mind, mainly because Adam laughs and when he does his eyes crinkle at the sides and you feel that you could live with that sight forever. The word soulmate pops into your mind more often than not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darling I love you (but I'll love you from a distance)

Soulmates. 

   
You don't know if you believed in them. Maybe it's because you don't really understand, maybe it's the fact that you didn't care. 

  

Your five years old when you first see the mark on some lady's arm and you don't really understand what it is. Your're playing in the sandpit when the nice looking lady comes to pick her son up telling him its time to leave. That's when you realise the mark and see the name, _Albert_ , it says. You really want to know what it is, so you and your curious mind find your way to your mother, and start trying to inspect her wrists, when she, kind of irritated that you wouldn't leave her wrists alone, asks what the matter is. Taking the opportunity you tell her what you saw and ask her what is. She replies with a curt 'it's your soulmates name Jordan', and leaves it at that. You have no idea what that is and you don't really care so you frown and run off to play on the swings. You miss the way your mother's face falls behind you. 

You never did see a mark on her wrists. Years later you find out why. 

 

 

As you grow older you start to grow curious, you start asking more questions, you seem so fascinated, almost obsessed because you want to know everything there is to know about soulmates. You don't understand why. All the questions you ask receive different responses from all the different people you ask. Your father sounds uninterested, tells you to stop bothering him and to go do something useful, your mother's face gets this screwed up expression when you mention it so you change the subject to the football jersey you want, the one you decided you want for your birthday, in two weeks. You ask others, your older brother, your friends, even your teacher. Nobody ever said anything much about it; your questions met with either with half hearted answers or being instantly told to shut up and go play like every other child. 

You grew out of the fascination as you got older. School and girls and football taking over your life. Your grades aren't the best but you couldn't care less. Your mother gives you some stick about it but she knows your one love is football. She knows you love it more than anything and if it's the only thing you have left in the world you wouldn't mind. The weekend watching a Sunderland match was your favourite time and it mostly got you through the week, watching a Sunderland game with your father and your brother, when he was home from uni, which wasn't very often. You've come to cherish the times he's home, because the house was that much better when he was there. 

So you get away with your bad grades because your mother and whole family know that your future consists of football. Football is your life, your passion, your everything. You've learnt to gain happiness from the ball hitting the back of the net, the roar of a crowd, eleven men chasing a ball, the a goal from your favourite player. When you play football it feels like home, it feels right, like it's meant to be, like this is your life and like you'll die if you let it go. You associate football with being your whole life. You think football might be your soulmate. 

 Until you don't anymore. 

  

 

You grow older. You make the first team at twenty one. Made the first team bench at 18 but unfortunately the chances to the play for them were thin and you never really got the chance. But you don't give up. You never have. You work harder and push farther and it pays off because you made the first team and you really can't describe the feeling. 

It's everything all at once and all you think about is scoring, is getting the ball, putting it past the keeper, hearing the crowd scream. You want to hear them scream your name. 

They don't. You don't score. Not in that game. You feel a bit depressed but your twenty one, it's got to happen sometime right? 

You continue on at Sunderland, you improve your game, you get better, you score more. The crowd love you now, they _do_ scream your name and football is more than you ever expected and everything you ever wanted. Sunderland is everything to you, it's the team you grew up watching, the team you grew up loving, the team you watched with your father. 

You owed them your life for making you the footballer you are. 

 

 

Three seasons later you decide it's time for a change. You want to become something new, someone new. You want different people to know you, you don't want to be the hometown boy anymore. Being a one club man was never really your thing. You were too adventurous for that, too curious, always wanted to see what was around the corner. 

The transfer to Liverpool couldn't have come at a better time. You accept it almost right away. 

Your starting position at Liverpool starts to become a permanent one and you fight every single game. You want to prove yourself. You want people to remember the name on the back of your shirt, you don't want the manager to doubt you, you want to make your parents proud, you want to be a hero. You want it all so bad and you'll do absolutely everything to get it. 

Your twenty four now and your face is splashed across newspapers and sky sports want every reason to talk about you. Your future is so bright and your are so happy. You ignore that annoying feeling you get deep in the pit of your stomach; your happy.  _Your happy_. You don't understand it until a couple of months later. 

Your playing Stoke at Anfield and the kop scream your name now, you love it so much, it's what you've wanted ever since you were a child sitting in the living room with your father watching the games, hearing them sing for the players. It happens when you pass the ball to Adam and he passes it back to you a minute later and you don't even think about it when you smash the ball into the back of the net, past the keeper. It doesn't register to you until the roar of the kop is singing in your ear and Adam Lallana has his damn arms wrapped tight around you, screaming something at you, you don't really know what, just keep staring at him until the rest of the team is around you and you finally realise you scored an absolutely stunning goal, leading the team to a victory. The pride in your chest is everything, Stevie gives you a clap on the back after the game, tells you 'well done lad', you think you'll love him forever. 

  

 

Your twenty four and your future is bright and suddenly Adam Lallana is at your damn side more often than not. You start sharing rooms at away games, training is always better with him around. Your practically stuck together, the others tease you about it. You don't really mind, mainly because Adam laughs and when he does his eyes crinkle at the sides and you feel that you could live with that sight forever. The word soulmate pops into your mind more often than not. 

You ignore those things in your chest. 

The season continues. This maybe Liverpool's season, you want it to be, everyone wants it to be. The games get harder, the points get harder to gain but Stevie keeps the team spirit up so you try to do the same. You joke about in training, you score goals, make sure the youngsters feel safe, practise your skills, try not to stare at Adam for too long at a time. The matches come fast and thick so there's really no time to think, your only spare time being used to keep your health up, mainly by sleeping. 

It's not Liverpool's season. 

 

 

You think maybe next season it will be. This one was good enough but there was no silverware nothing to show for a hard fought war, but in spite of it all you keep fighting until the end. This is Liverpool and that's just what we do. We never give up. 

   
One day in the training room you notice Stevie's wrist with a stark Xabi Alonso written along the underside of it and you remember that lady from all those years ago, you can't remember the name exactly but you remember it was similar. You remember the word 'soulmates', the word your mother used and suddenly you feel insecure. You don't know why, you don't understand. 

'But isn't Stevie married to Alex' you find yourself wondering and you have this sheer need in the bottom of your stomach to ask Stevie what it means. To ask him why he's with Alex, why isn't her name there, why Xabi. 'I mean don't we choose our soulmates', you chose football, you just don't have a mark on your wrist to show for is it all. You find it so confusing and you want to lay down and sleep or score three goals in training. 

Your head is spinning with all the unanswered questions and when you look up you find Stevie staring at you with a somewhat sad expression  and you look away instantly but not without seeing him covering his wrist and you feel the need to either cry or kick something. He mumbles something along the lines of 'the mark appears after you kiss the right person Jordan.' 

You wonder how you know who that is and realise that maybe people never know, maybe that's why you or mother don't have a mark and maybe people just settle for what they have. That makes you angry and you're strongly considering kicking something when the door swings open and suddenly Adam wonders in all white teeth and beautiful hair that you want to run your hands through, you want to mess it up a little and kiss the crinkles at the corners of his mouth and his eyes. He grins lazily at you and makes his way over and you want that feeling in your chest to stop but it doesn't; you kind of don't want it to. You try to take a look at Adam's wrists but there're covered. You desperately want to know who's name is there. Want to know if he ever kissed the right person. You think it's rude to ask so you leave it and head out to the training pitch and start the drills with the other lads. 

You miss Adam's hurt expression while he trains with Coutinho in the corner of the pitch. 

  

 

The seasons coming to end and the lads are fighting hard. The team our down in London staying in an hotel after the 1-1 draw with Chelsea. Stevie scored the equaliser and you haven't felt more proud of someone in your entire life. You feel like if there's someone to impress then it has to be Stevie. 

Your rooming with Adam and he's sitting on the bed watching some random TV show, after you leave the shower. It cleared your mind of all the 'what if we scored just one more goal and won the game'. You forget about it once you see him sitting on the bed with no shirt on. He lifts his arm with the remote to turn the channel and you catch a glimpse of his wrists. 

You realise there's nothing there. 

The questions are starting up again. There might be a mark on his other wrist, you ask yourself why you care. 

(It's partly because you want to see your name written there.) 

You start to get dressed and you turn to Adam who's still glued to the tv and you blurt out 'do you have a soulmate mark on your wrist'. You didn't mean too. He turns the tv off, his full undivided attention now on you. He lifts his wrists and you see clearly that there is nothing there. Just like yours. You want to cry. 

You walk over to him, sit on the edge of his bed; you at look him and take in all features. You realise he's beautiful and you've never thought that about anyone before. You feel the overwhelming need to kiss him. You don't know understand why. 

(You do know why. You think this may be the kiss to reveal Adam's name written on the underside of your wrist.You want it so bad.) 

You lean in and so does Adam and you think this is it. This is what you've wanted and then Adam pulls away and your left staring at the wall behind his head. Nothing happens for a while and then Adam says he can't and you wonder why. Why not? Is there something wrong with you. You just look at him, don't ask him why, just get up and go to your bed, turn the lights off and try to sleep. 

 

You don't have a mark and neither does he and there might be something wrong with the both of you. Your mother never had one but she got married and had children. You want Adam like you want football, and trophy's and to win every match you play. 

You don't realise he wants you too, but he has a baby on the way. He's getting married soon and you've just come to realise that fact now. He can't do this with you because life got in the way and he has other responsibilities. 

You wish he didn't. More than anything. 

 

 

But time moves on and your twenty six now. The new season has started and things are looking up again; just like they always do at the start of a brand new season. You love that part of the season the most. 

It's painless and hopeful and things can only go up. 

You get married to a beautiful woman and you have a child. Kissing her doesn't reveal a mark on either of you but you both live with what you have. Your child Is the most precious thing in your life. You love them both so much. 

You continue playing for Liverpool Football Club and the good times are so good you almost forget all the bad. Stevie carries you to a FA Cup final which you win and it's so good you think about winning the league for him. You think it's the least you could do for him. 

Adam's still there and he's happy and his baby boy is adorable and his wife is a sweet women. You still ignore the sheer need to kiss him whenever he walks into a room and grins like the world was given to him, but you ignore, it . You'll grow old with what you have and it has to be enough,  _it has too._  You have a daughter who needs you and you'll never know what it's like to be with your soulmate but that's life and you're just happy you got to meet Adam because you don't know what you'd do if you didn't. You realise that loving Adam at a distance it better than not having him all. 

  

 

This is life and it isn't a fairytale. You love football and you love your parents and now happiness is when Adam is there, when Adam scores and smiles and says something funny, talks about his baby. Happiness is Adam Lallana. Adam Lallana is your soulmate just like football. You love Adam Lallana. 

You (dont) believe in soulmates. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!


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